I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
