My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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