he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
