I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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