I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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