so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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