Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
