Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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