the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
