ya dads aren't the best wingmen
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
