i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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