my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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