I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
