i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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