Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
