i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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