Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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