last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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