Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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