they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize