Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
