Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
