my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
