Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
