I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
