Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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