What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
