I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
