I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
