I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
