Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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