two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
