what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I cut my penus on the lid.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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