I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
