Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
