Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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