Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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