Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
