I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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