yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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