i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
