Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
