New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
