I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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