i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I think I won the penis lottery.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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