let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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