Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
