I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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