Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
