I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize