When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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