Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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