living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
