hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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