someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
