apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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