I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
