Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
